The Last Things: Grief

By Father Michael N. Lavallee
pastor, St. Peter Parish, Northbridge

Losing a loved one is indeed one of the most painful and difficult human experiences. In this regard, grieving Catholics are much like others who live through loss, and they deal with the same emotions, fears and disorientation that death brings. Yet, the Catholic response to grief is different than that given by those who have no faith. Indeed, faith is the most important way Catholics deal with grief successfully and respond to the pain of loss.

Our exploration of grief begins with a search of the Gospels. This search yields one text of central importance that helps us begin our reflections – John 11:1-44. In this account, Jesus is called to the home of his sick friend, Lazarus, but purposely arrives there only after his death and burial. In John 11:11, Jesus makes it clear that he will travel to Bethany to “awaken” his deceased friend from death and makes it known that he has delayed his arrival “for the glory of God.” Yet, although Jesus knows he will raise Lazarus to new life, Lazarus’ family members do not know this and only wonder, perhaps with disappointment, why Jesus was not there when they needed him most, to prevent Lazarus’ death.

Much like the family members of Lazarus, we sometimes feel disappointment or anger towards God if our prayers for God’s help for a sick loved one appear to go unanswered. In fact, sometimes this may lead us to a crisis of faith. Yet, this passage teaches that Jesus is always present to us in love, though things may not make sense. Despite outward appearances, Jesus also desires for us that God’s glory be shown in all circumstances of sickness and death, leading to the joyful entrance of our deceased loved one into heaven and to his or her eventual resurrection from death. It is in the incredible love and mercy of God that those who grieve are asked to place their faith.

After Jesus arrives in Bethany and meets Lazarus’ grieving sisters, John 11:33 tells us “he became perturbed and deeply troubled.” In John 11:35, we learn “Jesus wept” at the loss of his friend. These two passages are critical in our reflection upon grief. Through these we learn that Jesus, fully human and fully divine, experienced human grief and sorrow. Though he would soon raise Lazarus to new life, Jesus faced his friend’s death with a depth of emotion. In this way, we know that Jesus understands human grief. The footnotes on John 11:33 in the New American Bible suggest that when St. John tells us Jesus became “perturbed” it meant that he reacted “in anger to the presence of evil” in Lazarus’ demise.

This only makes sense if we remember that death entered the world as a result of original sin. This sin prevented all human beings, as descendants of Adam and Eve, from enjoying the immortality God had originally intended for them. Jesus’ ultimate response to the presence of evil, in death, for all people, was his own resurrection and his raising of Lazarus from the dead. Through these actions, Jesus shows us that God’s love is stronger than death itself.

Scripture teaches us that Jesus wrestled with grief’s sorrows as we do. Thus, Jesus understands our grieving and has definitively responded to death itself through his own resurrection. Through baptism, Jesus promises that though we all will die, we will also someday rise again. In the face of death, the Church invites Christians to focus upon the hope that faith promises them, including that of someday experiencing a joyful eternal reunion with deceased loved ones.

In They Shall Be Comforted: For those who grieve and hope, Father Joseph Nolan observes, “Whatever our approach to death, and to God, we are right to treat the moment with dignity, and to appreciate, even to celebrate, the gift of a person’s life.” Father Nolan’s observation proposes to us an important, first way, to deal with grief. It is to think gratefully about the person who has died and to reflect upon how their life has been a gift to us. Though during grief our thoughts may be filled with heavy emotion, prayerfully expressing to God thanksgiving concerning the deceased and what he or she has taught us is important.

Prayer is critical in the grieving process. In The Essential Wisdom of the Saints, St. Francis prays “My Good Shepherd, who have shown your very gentle mercy to us unworthy sinners … give grace and strength to me, your little lamb, that in no tribulation or anguish or pain may I turn away from you.” St. Francis’ prayer reflects humble trust in God and requests gentle care from him in the form of grace and strength. The prayer also acknowledges that Jesus is the good shepherd who cares for his sheep, especially those sheep who grieve. The prayer notes that the intense sorrows of grief may tempt us to turn away from God in discouragement while what we need most is to stay close to God in prayer.

The Order of Christian Funerals instructs us concerning the vigil (wake), “The members of the Christian community offer support to the mourners, especially by praying that the one they have lost may have eternal life.” Thus, the Church teaches us that others should pray not only for the deceased but also for those who grieve the deceased’s passing. Gerry Jackman, funeral director of the Jackman Funeral Homes, stated in a brief phone interview, that one of the most important things people need when they lose someone they love is “social interaction.” Jackman observed that wakes often provide great help to grieving families as these events help them “handle loss.” This is because families leave the wake “overwhelmed by the support of the community” shown by those who visit them at the vigil.
Thus, community concern, shown to those grieving, often is a critical element in recovery from grief.

From personal experience, I reflect that in addition to “community support,” the support of family and friends is also essential. Often at the time of death, people express to grieving persons that if they need something from them, the grieving person should “let them know.” The loss of a loved one is often overwhelming, disorienting and exhausting. Rather than expecting a grieving person to reach out to them for help, it is perhaps best that others first reach out to the grieving person instead, offering time or assistance without being asked. Such time may include supportively listening to a grieving person talk, praying with a grieving person, sharing about one’s own experience of grief or offering assistance to help them do needed tasks which grief prevents them from doing.

Prayer, both during the funeral rites and privately, the support of family, friends and community, grateful reflection upon the life of the deceased and consideration of the life of Christ in Scripture are all ways grief may be eased for Catholic people of faith. Yet sometimes additional efforts may be helpful. Participation in grief support groups allow grieving persons to be with others sharing their same situation. Such participation helps them know they are not alone and that others understand their pain which may make them feel isolated. Current grief support groups in the diocese can be found at worcesterdiocese.org/events or by checking local parish bulletins.

As we grieve, Matthew 11:28-30 provides us with comforting words from Jesus that invite our response. Here, Jesus instructs “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” Here, our Lord invites all those who grieve to find prayerful rest in his mercy. As a yoke binds two oxen together so they may together till a field with a heavy plow, so Jesus reminds us that he desires to carry our burdens with us, so they do not crush us. Baptism and faith yoke us to Christ and prayer helps us to recognize that Jesus walks with us in grief, ready to support us with his grace.