What to do when someone you love stops going to church

By Tanya Connor | The Catholic Free Press

Let go – and refocus.
See if you’re an obstacle.
Look for how God is already working.
These were among tips local evangelists gave for bringing people back to church.
John and Therese Boucher, of St. John Parish in Worcester, offered these suggestions Saturday at St. Mary Parish in Uxbridge, at their workshop called, “When Someone You Love Stops Going to Church.”
On cards they distributed many participants reported that they came because they want to reach people who have stopped going to church.
“I need tools for my toolbox to help parishioners with this issue,” wrote Father Nicholas Desimone, St. Mary’s pastor.
Mr. Boucher said busyness and relocation are top reasons why people stop attending, “so that says something to us about what we could do to reach them.”
Mrs. Boucher said God is “always concerned about the relationships, the families, we are concerned about.”
She encouraged listeners to ask God how he is already present in inactive loved ones’ lives, so “you’re going from a point of love and faith.” She said she inserts such people’s names into Eph 3:14-20, a Scripture passage about praying for others.
She suggested inviting God to show you if you’re an obstacle to others’ faith life.
“Another starting point is, sometimes we need to let go of these people we’re concerned about” and take an interest in people we’re not concerned about, she said. “Sometimes God puts people in your life who need adoption by you.”
Speaking of concerns for one’s children, she said, “God is a much better parent than we are. … We need to forgive ourselves and hand them over to their other Father.”
She told of asking God what she could do when her brother, who lived far away and whom she spoke to only once a year, was dying. She sensed God saying, “Why don’t you be his sister?”
She started calling him and once asked, “I’m teaching about faith; is there anything I should add?”
“You are talking to the wrong person,” he replied.
“Am I?” she queried. “Do you have faith in your doctor? Your wife? Hard work? You said you have no faith.”
“That was just enough to get him to think,” she said.
She said other questions one can ask are: “Have you ever thought about coming to church on Christmas?” and “What would happen if you tried to talk to God about this?”
People come back to church “because they know you love them,” but “if they don’t come back, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them,” she said. You need the humility to realize you might not be the person to bring them back.
She noted that sometimes one needs to “grieve and intercede,” asking oneself, “Am I afraid for this person? Am I trying to dictate?”
“This concern … it’s a call from God to pray for that person,” she said. “How often do you call the people you’re concerned about? How often do you pray for them?”
Shut-ins can evangelize too. Mrs. Boucher told about when the nursing home where her grandmother lived scheduled lunch for the time Mass was on television. Her grandmother skipped lunch to watch Mass, some fellow residents joined her and the staff noticed.
“The solution was they would bring these ladies their lunch at the end of Mass,” Mrs. Boucher said.
Remembering when you left God or experienced darkness is “where you can connect with people who are disconnected,” Mr. Boucher said. He gave hope by sharing reasons why people return to church.
A participant asked whether to respect the request: “I don’t want you to talk to me about God.”
“Some people need to be challenged,” Mrs. Boucher said. Some need to be nurtured. One can ask, “Can you tell me more about that?”
One also can ask, “What gives meaning to your life?” Mr. Boucher said.
Another participant asked whether to initiate conversation or wait for an opportunity.
Mrs. Boucher suggested watching for clues, asking, when appropriate, “Do you mind if I say a prayer for you right now?” She said praying with people is one of the things that most brings them back to the faith.
Patti Trubiano, of Our Lady of Mount Carmel Parish in Worcester, said she attended the workshop to find ways to invite family members and friends back to church “without sounding like we’re preaching to them.”
“As we grow closer to the Lord and our faith, we see the need more and more,” added her husband, Richard Trubiano. His wife said they themselves returned to the Church about five years ago.
“We got a lot of ideas … ways to pray, putting things in perspective,” said Jennifer Nealon, of St. Mary’s in Uxbridge, who attended with her husband, Robert. “One of the perspectives that was helpful to me was: if that happened to Jesus, that happens to all of us.” She was referring to Mr. Boucher’s point that even some of Jesus’ disciples left him.
“We could be instrumental in someone else’s family member coming back,” Mrs. Nealon said of another point made. And pray for other people to help our family members.

– For more ideas, see www.catholicevangelizer.com and click on family faith sharing.